Healing People Are Healing People

Culture building - structures, skillsets, and mindsets for healing communities

There's a saying — 'Hurt people hurt people'.

At a YES! Jam many years ago, I was riffing on this saying with some participants, and we ended up adding to it: 'Hurt people hurt people — and create systems that hurt people'. We were thinking of the origins and expansion of war, genocide, slavery, colonization, homophobia, etc. Each of those violences begin with people who felt hurt in some way, shape, or form — in their hearts and spirits, from their families, by the circumstances of their contexts, through their schooling, because of a fundamental disconnect, etc. — and then enacted (or re-enacted) hurt onto others. In some way, this hurt became embedded with power in a system, so the violence extended beyond a single person or situation, and instead became normalized in the society or context — thus significantly expanding the number and degree of hurt people, who then go on to hurt more people, and reinforce those systems that are hurting people.

[Note: It can be hard to pinpoint the origin of this vicious cycle of hurt, though the book Ishmael inspired me to think of one potential origin story — 10,000 years ago, the moment that human beings separated themselves from nature, saw themselves as above it, and began building complex hierarchical civilizations.]

While we were riffing on this cycle of hurt, we figured out a corollary: ‘Healing people are healing people — and are creating systems that are healing people.’ In this way, healing is also happening at the levels of the personal, interpersonal and systemic. Who I am and how I feel when I am healing, intertwines deeply with how I connect and relate to others, in support of their healing, which interplays with what I nurture and generate in the world in organizations, institutions, and systems. This virtuous cycle was inspiring, and we began to link our personal and interpersonal healing in the Jam with what we would carry forward to our families, communities, and movements, sensing how that would expand more healing for all in the world.

As I continue to explore the vitality of community and the inevitability of conflict, I feel it’s crucial here to spend some time on healing.

With all the exploration of trauma these days, the entire understanding of what constitutes healing is changing. As Gabor Maté, the subject of the film, The Wisdom of Trauma, shares in his talks and books, trauma is not what happened to us; it is what we construct as the story about ourselves and the world after what happens to us. If our hurts leave us more isolated, disconnected, reactive, that's trauma. If, on the other hand, we are held in our hurt — if we are seen, heard, understood — then, what happens to us does not lodge as trauma in our bodies and psyches. Instead, we are healing. We connect, rather than separate; we expand our perspectives, rather than contract them. And that leads to growth, hope, creativity, love, and so much more.

I have been Jamming through YES! for decades because for me, it is about generating community that heals us. Building such a community and participating in one takes work, of course, and it is also about how we heal our own ideas of community. Especially because many of us have been hurt and have trauma from the communities we have known – family, friends, neighbors, colleagues and more. Personal reflection in a conscious community gives us the chance to see those hurts in a new light and potentially offers pathways towards greater healing for each of us.

One of the participants in a recent Jam demonstrated this so beautifully. Felix* came to the Jam wounded from previous experiences of community. He was smart, passionate and so committed to growing peace around the world. And yet, he felt burned when his efforts failed to register with his family and the various global circles he had been contributing towards. At the Jam, he arrived cautious, more in the role of observer than participant. No one pressured him to do or say or be anything; and rather, the container was built to honor everyone’s capacities and wishes to stretch and share as they were ready.

Then, in a conversation around conscious and unconscious co-creation, and how our intellects and judgements can shield us from discomfort and can create distance between ourselves and the people around us, Felix cracked open the wall between him and the experience of being in community. He opened his heart to the healing that was there — not just for others, but also for himself. He started believing that he too could receive the community’s care and allow it to nourish his own life and work. This healing wasn’t just something he had to offer or do for others. He could share his wounded places and give himself the opportunity to heal in, through and with community, too. The vicious cycle began to shift into a virtuous one. Instead of building walls he used to guard himself within, Felix was building bridges through his vulnerability and whole-heartedness. I’ve seen this transformation only expand in the conversations we have had since, and how these actions are impacting his work, family, and beyond.

I believe this is possible for all of us, and that together, we can become healing people, who are healing people, and who are co-creating systems that are healing people.

Some time ago, my friend Roni Kruzmann shared that he sees cultures as being made up of structures, skillsets and mindsets. For example, my brother Manish Jain and I have written a lot about the culture of schooling. The structure of desks in straight lines facing the front of the room, along with the skillsets of sitting still, being obedient and silent, with the mindset of the teacher and textbooks being the experts, and the children being empty vessels to fill, all contribute to a culture of dehumanization and the loss of power and potential. Conversely, the structure of sitting in a circle, with the skillsets of speaking and listening from the heart and being present, and the mindset of every person having something of value to contribute and to learn from each other, all contribute to a culture of co-creation and collective wisdom.

Often, in leadership development, or workplace management, or movement-building, or whatever people are trying to do to build a better world, they focus on one of these areas – usually structures – and neglect the other two – usually skillsets and mindsets. I feel that is often why change feels piecemeal and incomplete. Roni shared that when we work on all three realms together, we can experience real culture change. In other words, when we weave healing mindsets, skillsets, and structures, we can and will be healing our selves, each other, our systems, and our planet.

I believe healing communities — both as a noun and as an action — are the playground for this transformation, and healing conflicts — both as a noun and as an action — are the best game we can play. Like all the games I most love, these are cooperative and infinite, challenging and fun, and best done with a group of willing players — like you.

Thank you for joining me on this journey so far. More to come next week!

Also, do you have a “healing people are healing people” story to share? Please add it to the comments so we can continue to co-learn. And, if you have an area of focus or inquiry you want me to focus on, please send it my way.

*Names changed to protect confidentiality.