Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself*

and wreck a whole lot more

I am a big fan of speaking from the I. And, today, I’m going to tell you why.

It is super fly. Yes, I’m that rhyming guy.

It comes so easy, I don’t even have to try.

Please don’t punch me in the eye!

(I will stop now.)

I’m also a big fan of check-ins. To me, these two practices — speaking from the I and checking in — are foundational for community building and conflict transformation. I hope you’ll consider incorporating them more into your life and work by the end of this little article.

(Or, if nothing else, incorporating more silly rhyming into your life and work. Either way, it’s a win.)

In my world, ‘checking-in’ refers to the process of slowing down and listening in for what's really alive inside of me. I take a moment to attune to myself — my feelings, my context, my thoughts, my being. I don’t plan or prepare what I am going to say. Instead, I speak from the heart and take off a mask, willing to be vulnerable and honestly revealing what is present for me. I check inside of myself, and by bringing what’s there out into the open, I check in with the group – allowing people to see me and know me in this moment.

In a YES! Jam, after collectively co-creating the Jam container, our first big activity is the whole group check-in. Here, every person has about three minutes to share how they are feeling and what's alive for them in the moment (this literal moment, and/or this moment of their life journey). The rest of the group does their best to fully listen — with their ears, eyes and hearts. They don’t interrupt or ask questions, but rather simply receive what is being shared. They bring their attention and presence. In turn, one at a time, each person brings their intention and presence. It’s a kind of a sacred mutual reciprocity, listening to others as they are listening to you. I find this very simple process almost alchemical: it transforms strangers, distance and separation into friends, closeness and connection, in a matter of minutes.

Check-in circle. Art by Elizabeth Frias. 2018 Mexico Leadership Jam.

I feel the exhale that comes with having a check-in circle. It’s like everything settles because each person has been seen and heard. I remember once how Devika**, an India Youth Jam participant, shared that her favorite moment is right after she has checked in. In the silence that follows, she can feel the reverberations of her own words. No one is jumping in to say the next thing, be clever, make a joke, one-up her, or even give advice or support. Instead, the group acknowledges her with this quiet, and she has the opportunity to acknowledge herself in it as well. It's space for her to just simply exist. I thought this was so beautiful, and true.

The power of checking in hits me more when I am around other groups of people who practice jumping in before a person has finished their sharing. I read somewhere that it is a kind of intellectual power-play to interrupt at the -2 second mark (i.e., start talking two seconds before the person has completed what they are saying). After years of participating in check-ins, I now find these interruptions so jarring and quite disruptive to forging connection. Without the breath to receive what has been shared, the acknowledgement gets lost. Without that patient regard, the desire to be vulnerable diminishes. Without the unmasked honesty, the relationship gets more superficial, losing depth and dimension, and can eventually wither and die.

(Side note: This probably explains why I get so discombobulated in watching TV news shows — all of the speakers continuously cutting each other off is actually cutting off mutual respect and care, which makes it nearly impossible to build bridges and/or find common ground. Though, that’s probably not their intention anyway, since unproductive conflict is apparently more entertaining, or, at the very least, it sells more advertisements. Conversely, a shift into slowing down and more listening at my college reunion, instead of the prior norm of constant interruption, is what made the vulnerability so potent and prevalent there, as I shared in a previous article.)

What I recognize is that meaningful check-ins require good containers, where those gathered are clear about who is in the room, with what purpose and intentions, and with shared agreements for the time together. In my work and life, these agreements include confidentiality (so each person knows that what they share will not be shared elsewhere), focus and presence (no technology distractions nor mind-altering substances in use), and respect (listening without interrupting; speaking from one’s own experience; honoring one’s own body needs; asking for consent around physical contact; and voicing any discomforts — because none of us are mind-readers). All of these agreements matter, if we are to cultivate the space for check-ins, because they support the authentic sharing and the deep listening that’s at the heart of them.

Among all of these agreements, I find the invitation to ‘speak from the I’ especially crucial. So much changes when I take responsibility for my perspectives, emotions, and interpretations. I can be seen for the little ol’ me in the moment, in proportion to my human limits. This right-sizing makes it much easier to work with conflicts, because I can own my part and not expand it to everyone. My issue is not necessarily everyone else’s issue, just like my needs and grievances and eventual solutions may not match everyone else’s. This particularity of the I, and listening to others’ particular I’s, is what allows for the breakthroughs to happen, because the conversation is nuanced, specific and directly connected to the people in the room.

Recently, I have been watching one of my clients struggle with ‘speaking from the I’. The staff of this global organization has become very comfortable speaking from the 'we' and 'you' and the 'one’ — which not only becomes confusing, it also creates distance and separation. No one knows who is being addressed in the ‘you’; if the thought being shared belongs to anyone specifically in the ‘one’; if they are being included or excluded in the ‘we’, etc.

The reluctance to take responsibility for personal feelings and perspectives makes it so much harder to transform conflicts, because the power to make change is dissipated into the ether of generalization. If no one takes ownership for their experiences, if that personal connection is not named and acknowledged, then it is difficult to examine perspectives, inquire into them, release judgements and assumptions, learn and unlearn, and find resolutions.

Indeed, I don’t think conflicts can transform or heal without direct link to specific I’s. Generalizations don’t lead to connections. So, not checking the self means wrecking both relationships and weakening the system as a whole. In contrast, ‘speaking from the I’ makes the speaker more visible to themselves and to the whole. The inner world is revealed, and this makes it a lot easier to take responsibility for and navigate the interpersonal/relational and organizational/systemic, and make generative changes.

I have heard people express that ‘speaking from the I’ can lead to too much individualism and isolation. I understand why that could be felt in this profoundly individualistic culture. As they say in parts of Rajasthan, India, I don’t want be bleating like a sheep, “Meeeee, meeeeee, meeeee,” only focused on myself and parading that around.

The difference for me, though, is that ‘speaking from the I’ is actually rooted in humility, rather than in ego. My perspective is not better or worse than anyone else’s, so it’s not there to dominate the conversation (or be submissive in it). Instead, sharing what comes out of the lived experiences I have had — revealing that to everyone — lets my views be visible and lets me be humble with them. Yes, I have value, and so does everyone else, because community is not a zero sum game. When I hear multiple ‘I's in conversation, I find it easier to build bridges. It is easier to put myself in different shoes because I can see what those shoes are and directly link to the person who wears them.

I don’t know if there are any simpler practices than speaking from the I and check-ins to connect and transform a group. At least, in my life, these have been essential for healing, wholing, working through conflicts and building community. If you are using these practices already, please share in the comments how they have impacted you and your relationships and organizations/movements. If you aren’t practicing, I invite you to chiggity-check them out, before you wriggity-wreck it all.* I think, like me, you’ll be giggity-glad you did.

*Credit to Ice Cube for originating this phrase in his song “Check Yo Self'“ (2011).

** All names changed to protect confidentiality.