Feedback to Feed-Forward

Meet Barbara Boundary - and other characters in the Feedback universe

I have a bone to pick. (That metaphor would probably make more sense if I wasn’t a vegetarian, but let’s just roll with it.) It’s about feedback and the lack of it in many places. This phenomenon seems to be growing in non-profit organizations and social justice movements, and I feel concerned about it. I want to take some time today to explore why this might be happening, the challenges if it continues, and also share a great feedback tool I learned that might be helpful for folks to try on. My current motto: Let’s get our feedback back!

What do I mean by feedback? For me, feedback is really feed-forward. This is how it is seen by me and by the leadership teams of facilitators and organizers for YES! Jams. We share a deep understanding that we can’t go back, because whatever has passed is past. What we can do, instead, is go forward. We can learn from what happened, grow and understand, and then apply the learning to the next context. So, feedback feeds us forward.

In Jams, we engage with feedback to feed-forward many different ways. In the organizing process for a Jam, in our monthly meetings, we do check-ins around roles and team dynamics, and slow down if conflicts are coming up and/or if someone is having a challenge or struggle with someone else in terms of how we are working together. Sometimes, there is feedback here, for example, “In terms of communication around meeting times, I would appreciate us not texting at the last minute to cancel, because it really messes with my sense of flow and it takes so much energy to re-coordinate a meeting time. So, if you need to make a change, let us know as early as possible and please take the responsibility for re-scheduling as well.” The person receives the feedback, we have some discussion around it, and then apply the learning forward into the rest of our process.

In the immediate prep before the Jam, we self-reflect on areas of strength and areas of growth for each one of us, particularly around being a Jam facilitant (a unique blend of facilitator and participant). Facilitanting includes participation; asking for and offering support; grounding, weaving and framing; sensing and improvisation; explaining activities; and monitoring time. These reflective opportunities give space for team members to share any questions or feedback with each other, which also happens casually in the hangout time in between prep sessions. I remember in one of these sessions, one team member shared with another about becoming more conscious about some of his self-demeaning comments, because she didn’t see him that way and wanted to invite him to stand more in his power. It was very impactful for him, and for us as a team, to hear such clear direct feedback, and it made a big difference in how he approached his facilitation from there on out.

In Jam preparations, we also hold a 30 minute conversation on how we like to give and receive feedback and collaborate as a team member. We share with each other our struggles and preferences and establish some collective agreements for how we want to move forward. For example, we often agree to ask the person if it is a good time for them to receive feedback, and not just dive in without their consent; we decide to focus on areas that could be impacting the group, instead of just stylistic differences; and we commit to leaving some space between the end of the session and the feedback, and not so much space that the person doesn’t have the awareness of something important for their future participation and/or facilitation.

And then during the Jam itself — after each session in an online Jam, or each 24 hour period at an in-person Jam — we gather as a team to check in, reflect on the last session(s), sense what is coming next, and review participants’ needs and any other logistics. Each of the two-person facilitant team who held the session(s) first self-evaluate, and then they have the opportunity to receive feedback from the rest of the team. The emergent energy of the Jam requires honest and direct feedback, as well as appreciations for what is working well, to be responsive and attuned.

Finally, after the Jam has ‘ended’ (at least, where we have parted ways and will be planting seeds into other spaces), we receive letters and evaluations from participants, taking in their feedback. Participants are also giving us feedback in many other opportunities during the Jam — after an activity, in-between sessions, at a mid-week intentions check-in, and so on, which is integrated. In our final debrief of the Jam, the team also engages in one more round of feedback and appreciations for each other.

Wow, putting it all in writing now, I see that the process is robust! Woven through it all is a clear understanding of the purpose and ethos of feedback. Feedback is given because we are co-invested in each other’s learning and in our relationships as friends and teammates; therefore, feedback is offered with both respect and the support needed to make growth-full changes happen. Each time I have received feedback from my collaborators in this way, it has been a gift.

Maybe this is why I feel so disturbed when I see folks shying away from offering/giving and asking for/receiving feedback in so many of the organizations and movements I have been supporting, both while still ED at YES! and now in these nine months after. I am seeing how this lack of feedback creates bigger conflicts and can lead to ‘cancel culture’ situations. Things that could have course-corrected early on with some feedback, instead, grow to epic proportions. Challenges, habits, behaviors, etc., begin to feel intractable, and the ensuing conflicts require a lot of patient work, if healing and transformation is to happen.

Let’s dig into why feedback is not as commonplace as I think it needs to be, especially if we are going to move forward with the kinds of relationships, communities, and movements our world is calling for. I want to focus on the mindsets behind this lack of feedback, while recognizing that we also need to develop our skillsets and create more structures for it as well. I offer a tool for that below, that I learned and slightly adapted from my friends at The People Piece.

Asking for feedback and being willing to receive it is challenging for some folks, for sure. Some of this has to do with the plague of perfectionism and how hard it can be to allow oneself to make mistakes, which I talked about in a previous article. Having someone point out ways you can improve could feel like punishment or judgement, if you are not ready and not clear about its value for you, and if they are not clear about how/why they are offering it.

I also can recognize how many of us who have gone through factory-schooling rarely had the the experience of receiving feedback. As my friend Munir Fasheh has said, “Grading is degrading.” A number or a letter doesn’t usually let people know what they are doing well and where they can improve. Honestly, I can really only think of a few teachers in all my years of K-12 and into college who offered me feedback to feed-forward. Add to this the flawlessness that people need to present on social media, as well as the near-impossibility of dialogue through that channel, and it is clear why we are not practiced at inviting or receiving feedback. And yet, as most of us recognize, we need the insight and wisdom and observations of others, to grow ourselves and learn more — whether it is around a specific skill like facilitation or playing violin; or whether it is around a becoming a better human being or collaborator in community.

So, let’s imagine the demand side challenges were solved, and people could put aside their fears and/or fragile egos and inner critics and became willing to receive feedback. However, now there’s a supply side problem. As my friend Kevin just shared with me, “You have to observe and be present to give feedback. And most people are running around, too busy to notice each other. How can you give feedback if you are not seeing people?” This is so true, as the best feedback is specifically tailored to the situation and the person at hand. Presence, listening and care are essential for this specificity.

I have also seen that people conflate criticism with feedback, both in the giving and in the receiving. If I am criticizing, I am usually in ‘attack other’ mode in my panic zone, not attuning to what might be happening for the other person, and instead, just wanting to get my point across and be right. If I am giving feedback, however, I am invested in the other person, and in the relationship, and seeking to strengthen both of them, to learn more easeful ways of working and being together. I am willing to listen with curiosity and provide other support as needed, because I want things to grow between us. So, before I offer/give feedback, I can check in with myself to see where I am coming from — criticism, or feedback to feed-forward — and act (or not act) accordingly.

And, there seems to be something deeper going on. I feel like people are almost afraid of giving feedback. I have sensed this fear and reluctance in many organizations and movements, and it feels like the avoidance reaction is crushing feedback. In a walk one day, my friend Eli illuminated the challenge. They said to me, “I don’t want to be Debbie Downer, hurting peoples’ feelings or blocking their enthusiasm.” This was in the context of sharing feelings and perspectives around taking on more clients, when one staff member was very excited about it and Eli, as the director, could see that it would be too challenging for the organization to handle. In talking with Eli, all of sudden, I said, “You don’t have to be Debbie Downer. Maybe you could be Barbara Boundary instead?!”

(Shoutout to Eli who asked me to write about this moment and the power of feedback to help us with our boundaries!)

It feels like a mindset shift is essential. Could I see feedback, like conflict, as a gift? Could I, paraphrasing Prentis Hemphill in their reflections on boundaries, see feedback as a way of loving you and myself at the same time? Could I invoke Barbara Boundary, or Gita Grower or Coumba Co-Learner, instead of Debbie Downer, when thinking about why my feedback could be valuable and important?

When I work with organizations/movements struggling with this, I invite them to reflect on the value of feedback. Invariably, as we dialogue, we talk about how feedback makes possible better teamwork, clearer boundaries, healthier ways of working together, etc. It get us out of of the habit of expecting others to read our minds or know what we want, without telling them — another major issue that I have seen in organizations. Instead of hiding in the shadows of our minds, our needs and wishes come up and out into the light for discussion and potential agreement — which serves everyone in the work.

Once the why is the clear, the how can be improved, too. My friends at The People Piece shared this great tool with me, which I slightly adapted. It’s called COIIN and it has five steps:

• Context: make sure it’s a good time for the person to talk, and let them know briefly in advance what the conversation is about, so they won’t be surprised, which is usually the downfall of 90% of feedback conversations; being caught off-guard usually leads to defensiveness;

• Observations: share without judgement or story what you have seen happening; the key is to let go of the meaning-making your mind has filled in and focus more on the actions/behaviors you have noticed; name those clearly and directly;

• Inquiry: ask if the person has observed the same, and/or how they see what’s happening; here, you are trying to understand them and their intentions/understandings, while remembering that everyone makes sense to themselves and/or has unconscious behaviors; your curiosity is vital here, and mirroring back what you hear can help show that you are willing to understand what is happening from the other person’s perspective;

• Impact: share how this behavior/action is affecting you; this is vulnerable and often people try to skip it; yet, if the other person doesn’t know why this matters to you, it is harder for them to co-invest in changing it, so take the risk here and be willing to share your needs; being mirrored back here can be very helpful as well, to be sure you are being understood;

• Next steps: co-create together some next steps that incorporate what you have understood; agree upon them and find a date/time to follow up to see how it is going with the proposed changes.

I find COIIN a simple and highly accessible process, which relies on the skillsets of speaking from the I, listening, mirroring, slowing down, and being present. It can be easily woven into regular check-ins and monthly meetings and other structural spaces. I am sure there are other tools as well. If you have ideas, please share them in the comments, so we can collectively learn from your forms of feedback.

I simply want to invite us to normalize the flow of feedback, offering/giving it and asking for/receiving it, early and often, in our lives and work. Like ocean waves, let it flow with regularity. I believe this will make a tremendous difference to our partnerships, families, communities, movements, and more, as we catch potential conflicts before they blow up, and learn each other more for greater syncing and collaboration. Barbara Boundary (and the other characters of the feedback to feed-forward universe) are ready and waiting for you!

What do you think about feedback to feed-forward? Please share your thoughts in the comments. You can also check out my recent podcast about it on 10,000 Heroes with my friend Ankur Shah, if you want to hear more.