Here is one response to the challenge of giving feedback: As a high school math teacher in a highly competitive private school, I was aware of the importance of grades to both students and parents. I sent home quarterly reports to the parents, the first and third being “progress” reports, the second and fourth with semester grades. I labored over the feedback I wrote for all of them, not knowing what value, if any, it might have for the students (or their parents). Because these reports always took a long time for me to write, I had difficulty completing them “on time.” Eventually, this got me into trouble with the administration, and I turned over a new leaf. I began completing them as much as a week early. In a moment of inspiration, I realized I now had the opportunity to share these “draft” comments with the students and ask for their feedback. Most students gave no responses, but I had a sense that they had carefully read my comments. Others wrote notes of appreciation. Still others responded by asking for clarification, explaining things they felt I’d not correctly perceived, or requesting that I comment on things they felt important but which my comments overlooked. In these last cases, I invariably rewrote my comments. Thanking all the students for taking time to reflect on my comments, I felt a new level of trust in my classes.
Thanks, again, Shilpa for your always welcome wisdom, always on the button, and I always have a similar question: What to do in the non-JAM world, where feedback is often greeted with hurt and anger, and counter "insults." Lately, I have been trying to stay balanced with someone I care for a lot, who protects himself by insulting me. I remind him of his mother...etc. I step away, I read about personality disorders, I "understand" his problem, try and recognize my own...etc. but frankly I am afraid of him. He can hurt me, and knows how. He happens to live in my small community, so unless one of us moves out, I have to figure this out. And not be afraid of him. Mostly, I try and avoid him, but if we all did this, we'd all be back to square One. Sigh...What might you advise?
Thanks for sharing this dear Carolyn. I think a lot starts with step 1 of COIIN - the context. Maybe sharing a bit with this person that you would like to have a conversation with him about your dynamics and find a good way to be comfortable living together, and see if he is open to that and when and where (not immediately -- but in a day or two, or the following week). And I would then share COIIN with him as a tool and see how he felt about using this process to explore together. I would also invite you to get another friend to support you both, and ask him beforehand if that would be okay -- someone who can help you with the conversation and someone you feel safe with, to mitigate the fear you have of him. Does this seem possible?
I really like this idea that giving a certain kind of feedback (grounded in caring) is a gift. Giving that kind of feedback is definitely my growing edge right now. I realized pretty recently that the way I was moving through life for the first 35 years or so was to try my best to be as accommodating as possible in all of my relationships - that was my primary mode of getting along. It sort of works for a while, but it’s not the path to one’s best life (or to the best life for the important people in one’s life!)
I love what you're saying about the difference between feedback and accommodation -- you're so spot on! Feedback is a gift that let's you acknowledge your needs, and name and share them, as well as making space to learn more about the other person, and figure out how to be together/work together/etc. in ways that are do-able for both of you. So different than trying to accommodate or please others, and usually trample your own self/needs in the process. Thanks for this beautiful insight El!
Here is one response to the challenge of giving feedback: As a high school math teacher in a highly competitive private school, I was aware of the importance of grades to both students and parents. I sent home quarterly reports to the parents, the first and third being “progress” reports, the second and fourth with semester grades. I labored over the feedback I wrote for all of them, not knowing what value, if any, it might have for the students (or their parents). Because these reports always took a long time for me to write, I had difficulty completing them “on time.” Eventually, this got me into trouble with the administration, and I turned over a new leaf. I began completing them as much as a week early. In a moment of inspiration, I realized I now had the opportunity to share these “draft” comments with the students and ask for their feedback. Most students gave no responses, but I had a sense that they had carefully read my comments. Others wrote notes of appreciation. Still others responded by asking for clarification, explaining things they felt I’d not correctly perceived, or requesting that I comment on things they felt important but which my comments overlooked. In these last cases, I invariably rewrote my comments. Thanking all the students for taking time to reflect on my comments, I felt a new level of trust in my classes.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Richard. I love how the students engaged with your feedback to their progress - so great!
Thanks, again, Shilpa for your always welcome wisdom, always on the button, and I always have a similar question: What to do in the non-JAM world, where feedback is often greeted with hurt and anger, and counter "insults." Lately, I have been trying to stay balanced with someone I care for a lot, who protects himself by insulting me. I remind him of his mother...etc. I step away, I read about personality disorders, I "understand" his problem, try and recognize my own...etc. but frankly I am afraid of him. He can hurt me, and knows how. He happens to live in my small community, so unless one of us moves out, I have to figure this out. And not be afraid of him. Mostly, I try and avoid him, but if we all did this, we'd all be back to square One. Sigh...What might you advise?
Carolyn North
Thanks for sharing this dear Carolyn. I think a lot starts with step 1 of COIIN - the context. Maybe sharing a bit with this person that you would like to have a conversation with him about your dynamics and find a good way to be comfortable living together, and see if he is open to that and when and where (not immediately -- but in a day or two, or the following week). And I would then share COIIN with him as a tool and see how he felt about using this process to explore together. I would also invite you to get another friend to support you both, and ask him beforehand if that would be okay -- someone who can help you with the conversation and someone you feel safe with, to mitigate the fear you have of him. Does this seem possible?
Thank you for COIIN too, Shilps!
I really like this idea that giving a certain kind of feedback (grounded in caring) is a gift. Giving that kind of feedback is definitely my growing edge right now. I realized pretty recently that the way I was moving through life for the first 35 years or so was to try my best to be as accommodating as possible in all of my relationships - that was my primary mode of getting along. It sort of works for a while, but it’s not the path to one’s best life (or to the best life for the important people in one’s life!)
I love what you're saying about the difference between feedback and accommodation -- you're so spot on! Feedback is a gift that let's you acknowledge your needs, and name and share them, as well as making space to learn more about the other person, and figure out how to be together/work together/etc. in ways that are do-able for both of you. So different than trying to accommodate or please others, and usually trample your own self/needs in the process. Thanks for this beautiful insight El!