Profound, resonant AND powerful..I realized I grew up with the story that doing things for others AND then asking for help (or expected to be reciprocated) was considered manipulative only interest based AND therefore something I should not do..reading this piece makes me realize in the end It was just a story that would secure people to remain isolated. What if reciprocal connections and friendships are at the true core of happiness, authentic connections and a new system, the one I want to see, the one based on care AND intentionality.
Thanks so much for naming this story, Monica, and how it leads to isolation. Yes, we are 'bound up' with each other, and how can we do that from a place of curiosity, intentionality, mutuality, and the willingness to weather the storms together? Appreciate you for seeing the link and the shift from a story of manipulation to one of heartfelt invitation and reciprocal care.
Is it just coincidence? My partner and I just visited our hospital social worker daughter. Last night she needed to unburden herself about how the other two members of her three-member team, which has functioned beautifully for seven years, have suddenly revealed their discontent with the accommodations she's received. Enter Stage 3, if they can navigate these waters. I've just reread your post with this in mind. I didn't find descriptions of any of your Stage 3 experiences. This is such an important invitation that life gives us. Would you please give some thought to writing a post just about weathering Stage 3 and coming out all the stronger.
Wow! Well, a partner of mine told me many years ago that 'there are no coincidences'. :)
Yes, I am happy to write more about Stage 3 -- a little bit comes out in some of my previous posts, about conflict, and face everything and rise -- and I will give it some more intention and attention. Thanks Richard!
I'm so excited that Nandita brought leader friendship to light as I hope to explore the nuanced choreographies of diverse loving connections in my Dancing Center Substack. Like you, Shilpa, I've approached community and leadership as a friend-making dance. I rebelled as a religious leader when I was told I could not be a friend with congregants. Therapists and helping professionals are told this. I, however, often have duel roles in people's lives and they in mine. After I've befriended people over four decades and all around the world I have to ask, "Are they still my friends?" If not what are we to one another? What role does my ability to connect at a playful, improvisational, soul level have if close friendships are less common? What about the brief powerful encounters in a workshop? Is that friendship? You note the different levels of connection and I appreciate that.
I notice that when I think of everyone as a friend I get confused and disappointed at how limited many relationships actually are. IHow many do I need? n Shannon Watts Substack, Playing with Fire she saidt "when I decided to step back from my leadership role with Moms Demand Action, I realized I was about to have an inordinate amount of time on my hands … and very few people to spend it wit" Meanwhile, she'd just spent a decade building a community where others found "their people."
What about close friends? Anaïs Nin said, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." How many people have I disappointed because I offer real loving connection, but am not really their friend. I think I lost one of these dear playmates this year. This is one reason why I need to sort this out. Thank you again, Shilpa
Thanks for sharing all these reflections, dear Cynthia. So many different layers and levels and I love how you describe leadership and community as a friend-making dance. In a dance with partners, we figure out how to move together, when to go, when to slow, when to give, when to receive... Maybe that also relates to the different offers that each one of us makes to others, and how much we give to ourselves, too. Weaving the web with ourselves in it, with a variety of life-nourishing relationships.... Thanks for working on sorting it out and happy to hear more as you do.
It may not surprise you to hear that as I was writing to you last night, I was compiling lists of friends in three categories (ones whose deep friendships have never been tested, ones whose friendships did not survive conflict, and ones whose friendships did) and also ones who didn't fit in any of these for a variety of reasons. This morning, as I considered all these friendships, I saw three dimensions that were present in varying degrees in them: the practical dimension (e.g. colleagues at work), the emotional dimension, and the spiritual dimension. I wonder how this observation strikes you and others.
Thanks for sharing Richard! I am struck by your categories and the dimensions that you noticed. For me, spirituality and emotional intimacy are deeply tied, so I am wondering about that for you. I wonder about the depth of each relationship and where they landed in your heart-body-mind-soul. I'd love to hear more about that and how it connected to your sense or experience of leadership.
When you use the term "emotional intimacy," I believe that you are referring to transcendent emotions like "awe" and "compassion," not ego-driven emotions like "greed" or "jealousy." Looking at great leaders and not so great leaders, I'll venture to say that the former lead from transcendence and the latter from ego.
Yes, that's right. It's the connection that I feel in sharing my vulnerability, being received in it, and receiving another's vulnerability. That's compassion, and the weaving of our one-ness and whole-ness. Very different that greed or jealousy which I would not classify as intimacy -- those live in the panic zone and certainly are not part of Leadership is Friendship. :)
Thanks for this wonderful take on leadership, Shilpa! It reminds me of something I learned in 2007 when I was traveling in East/Southern Africa on a quest to understand "what does solidarity look like?" from my positionality in the world. One of my core answers was: friendship. And the reasons for that are those that you describe in your article.
Last week a friend said, "vulnerability dissolves differences," which is I think another aspect of why friendship can be a powerful force for social change. By being honest with each other, especially about the hard parts of relationships or strategic action, we can meet more authentically as humans in a shared struggle, and then find all kinds of energy, creativity and connection for forward movement.
It's fun to consider how leaning toward friendship can help in so many moments of struggle or confusion (of course there are limitations to the concept but it's fun to play with it!). Thanks for planting these seeds, Shilpa!
Thanks dear Jenny! I love the connection of solidarity as friendship, and see the humility, openness, curiosity, and authenticity that comes from there. It really weaves us together. And yes, to the vulnerability dissolving differences -- or maybe for me, it's more like vulnerability re-members connections. The 'differences' are still there -- and yet they feel like gifts in the weave rather than breaking it apart. Thank you for growing these seeds, Jenny!
Thank you Shilpa for shining a light on the possibility of a more loving world and creating one through every relationship you have had and have affected!
Profound, resonant AND powerful..I realized I grew up with the story that doing things for others AND then asking for help (or expected to be reciprocated) was considered manipulative only interest based AND therefore something I should not do..reading this piece makes me realize in the end It was just a story that would secure people to remain isolated. What if reciprocal connections and friendships are at the true core of happiness, authentic connections and a new system, the one I want to see, the one based on care AND intentionality.
Thank you to dear for expressing It this way 🫀✨
Thanks so much for naming this story, Monica, and how it leads to isolation. Yes, we are 'bound up' with each other, and how can we do that from a place of curiosity, intentionality, mutuality, and the willingness to weather the storms together? Appreciate you for seeing the link and the shift from a story of manipulation to one of heartfelt invitation and reciprocal care.
😊
Is it just coincidence? My partner and I just visited our hospital social worker daughter. Last night she needed to unburden herself about how the other two members of her three-member team, which has functioned beautifully for seven years, have suddenly revealed their discontent with the accommodations she's received. Enter Stage 3, if they can navigate these waters. I've just reread your post with this in mind. I didn't find descriptions of any of your Stage 3 experiences. This is such an important invitation that life gives us. Would you please give some thought to writing a post just about weathering Stage 3 and coming out all the stronger.
Wow! Well, a partner of mine told me many years ago that 'there are no coincidences'. :)
Yes, I am happy to write more about Stage 3 -- a little bit comes out in some of my previous posts, about conflict, and face everything and rise -- and I will give it some more intention and attention. Thanks Richard!
I'm so excited that Nandita brought leader friendship to light as I hope to explore the nuanced choreographies of diverse loving connections in my Dancing Center Substack. Like you, Shilpa, I've approached community and leadership as a friend-making dance. I rebelled as a religious leader when I was told I could not be a friend with congregants. Therapists and helping professionals are told this. I, however, often have duel roles in people's lives and they in mine. After I've befriended people over four decades and all around the world I have to ask, "Are they still my friends?" If not what are we to one another? What role does my ability to connect at a playful, improvisational, soul level have if close friendships are less common? What about the brief powerful encounters in a workshop? Is that friendship? You note the different levels of connection and I appreciate that.
I notice that when I think of everyone as a friend I get confused and disappointed at how limited many relationships actually are. IHow many do I need? n Shannon Watts Substack, Playing with Fire she saidt "when I decided to step back from my leadership role with Moms Demand Action, I realized I was about to have an inordinate amount of time on my hands … and very few people to spend it wit" Meanwhile, she'd just spent a decade building a community where others found "their people."
What about close friends? Anaïs Nin said, “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." How many people have I disappointed because I offer real loving connection, but am not really their friend. I think I lost one of these dear playmates this year. This is one reason why I need to sort this out. Thank you again, Shilpa
Thanks for sharing all these reflections, dear Cynthia. So many different layers and levels and I love how you describe leadership and community as a friend-making dance. In a dance with partners, we figure out how to move together, when to go, when to slow, when to give, when to receive... Maybe that also relates to the different offers that each one of us makes to others, and how much we give to ourselves, too. Weaving the web with ourselves in it, with a variety of life-nourishing relationships.... Thanks for working on sorting it out and happy to hear more as you do.
It may not surprise you to hear that as I was writing to you last night, I was compiling lists of friends in three categories (ones whose deep friendships have never been tested, ones whose friendships did not survive conflict, and ones whose friendships did) and also ones who didn't fit in any of these for a variety of reasons. This morning, as I considered all these friendships, I saw three dimensions that were present in varying degrees in them: the practical dimension (e.g. colleagues at work), the emotional dimension, and the spiritual dimension. I wonder how this observation strikes you and others.
Thanks for sharing Richard! I am struck by your categories and the dimensions that you noticed. For me, spirituality and emotional intimacy are deeply tied, so I am wondering about that for you. I wonder about the depth of each relationship and where they landed in your heart-body-mind-soul. I'd love to hear more about that and how it connected to your sense or experience of leadership.
When you use the term "emotional intimacy," I believe that you are referring to transcendent emotions like "awe" and "compassion," not ego-driven emotions like "greed" or "jealousy." Looking at great leaders and not so great leaders, I'll venture to say that the former lead from transcendence and the latter from ego.
Yes, that's right. It's the connection that I feel in sharing my vulnerability, being received in it, and receiving another's vulnerability. That's compassion, and the weaving of our one-ness and whole-ness. Very different that greed or jealousy which I would not classify as intimacy -- those live in the panic zone and certainly are not part of Leadership is Friendship. :)
Thanks for this wonderful take on leadership, Shilpa! It reminds me of something I learned in 2007 when I was traveling in East/Southern Africa on a quest to understand "what does solidarity look like?" from my positionality in the world. One of my core answers was: friendship. And the reasons for that are those that you describe in your article.
Last week a friend said, "vulnerability dissolves differences," which is I think another aspect of why friendship can be a powerful force for social change. By being honest with each other, especially about the hard parts of relationships or strategic action, we can meet more authentically as humans in a shared struggle, and then find all kinds of energy, creativity and connection for forward movement.
It's fun to consider how leaning toward friendship can help in so many moments of struggle or confusion (of course there are limitations to the concept but it's fun to play with it!). Thanks for planting these seeds, Shilpa!
Thanks dear Jenny! I love the connection of solidarity as friendship, and see the humility, openness, curiosity, and authenticity that comes from there. It really weaves us together. And yes, to the vulnerability dissolving differences -- or maybe for me, it's more like vulnerability re-members connections. The 'differences' are still there -- and yet they feel like gifts in the weave rather than breaking it apart. Thank you for growing these seeds, Jenny!
Thank you Shilpa for shining a light on the possibility of a more loving world and creating one through every relationship you have had and have affected!
So moved by this Shilpa, helps contextualize a lot of what I’ve been reflecting on.