I judge myself based on my Intentions, while I judge others based on their Impacts. I want to be absolved when I share what I was intending, and I want to punish others for when I am hurt by their actions. big takeaway!!!
Yes so true! One thing that is really resonating strongly with me is how you shared "we can also mirror most effectively when in our stretch zone". I can think of times when I went through the motion of mirroring because I knew that was expected of me or what I "should" do when in conflict, but I was not really in my stretch zone, and was much closer to my panic zone, so while I was repeating the words I wasn't honestly allowing them to settle in and impact me - how someone really felt about their experience, what mattered most to them. In my mind I was still judging them to be wrong, while performing the act of mirroring. If I notice myself doing that again, this piece has helped me recognize that is a good sign to check in about what zone I'm in, and if I'm not in stretch, how can I get myself there? Thanks Shilpa!
Thanks so much for naming this Nicole. Yes, "performative mirroring" can really be a challenge -- and it is understandable if I am not yet in a place to truly listen. I have to get beyond being right and be interested in being in relationship, if my mirroring is to make a difference to me, truly. Thank you for naming and noticing this!
Hello dear, that’s a very inspiring post, and I’m reflecting more here on my own ‘grievance’ with intention. Most of the time, intention seems to be something we do before action, but one way of looking at it is people do not have an intention to act but instead just act and create the story that gives meaning to it. Of course, we can plan an action, but that’s not the case in conflicts Intent / Impact. Because our actions show who we are in the world and we might have messed up, ‘intention’ seems to be the easy way out of our harsh self-judgement.
But I’ve got myself reflecting on the oversimplification of judging someone for one action, and I remember the many times I’d have hoped others would give me the benefit of the doubt and say: this is the way it lands here, can we talk?
There also seems to be a side of impact that runs up to judge by re-interpreting the past and justifying ‘it’s always been like that’ or ‘I knew they were like this’. It is like we must make sense of it even before we bother to understand.
Thank you for bringing your wisdom to this space. Love, A>
Thank you Augusto! So good to hear from you. And yes, I feel what you are saying. The intentions can be conscious or unconscious -- they are just the backstory behind the action, and sometimes the resulting actions are unconscious too. That's why the slowing down to reflect and ask and listen and share is so important. Ditto on the impact side -- yes, how do we slow down the desire to make a generalized story out of one (or even a few) experiences? That 'bothering to understand' is what I hope to keep cultivating. :) Thanks for your wisdom in deepening the dialogue too!
This really hit home. You've described the relationship between a dear friend and her daughter that is fraught with anxiety over similar intentions but different levels of tolerance regarding the behaviour of our friend's 5-year-old granddaughter. Grandma has hare-trigger reactions, which provoke strong responses from Mom. With Grandma's assent, I called her daughter and laid out the situation calmly from her mother's perspective. Not surprisingly, her daughter was defensive, even bringing up differences dating back to her teen years. But she understands her mom and understands that she cannot expect her to change. Perhaps, she may at least be able to get a load off her chest in a civil conversation. Perhaps both can acknowledge their common good intentions and the differing realities behind their impacts. May it be so.
Thanks for sharing this example, Richard. I have felt this competition between Intention and Impact in my own family and am working to unlearn it there as well. May your friend's family sort it out with love and listening! <3
I judge myself based on my Intentions, while I judge others based on their Impacts. I want to be absolved when I share what I was intending, and I want to punish others for when I am hurt by their actions. big takeaway!!!
Thank you! It was one for me too!
"I want to be absolved when I share what I was intending, and I want to punish others for when I am hurt by their actions."
So true . Hahahahahahahahah !!!!! lol
so pleased that these substacks keep on being born into the world
Thank you Pancho! I know - it's funny because it's true, right? :)
Yes so true! One thing that is really resonating strongly with me is how you shared "we can also mirror most effectively when in our stretch zone". I can think of times when I went through the motion of mirroring because I knew that was expected of me or what I "should" do when in conflict, but I was not really in my stretch zone, and was much closer to my panic zone, so while I was repeating the words I wasn't honestly allowing them to settle in and impact me - how someone really felt about their experience, what mattered most to them. In my mind I was still judging them to be wrong, while performing the act of mirroring. If I notice myself doing that again, this piece has helped me recognize that is a good sign to check in about what zone I'm in, and if I'm not in stretch, how can I get myself there? Thanks Shilpa!
Thanks so much for naming this Nicole. Yes, "performative mirroring" can really be a challenge -- and it is understandable if I am not yet in a place to truly listen. I have to get beyond being right and be interested in being in relationship, if my mirroring is to make a difference to me, truly. Thank you for naming and noticing this!
Hello dear, that’s a very inspiring post, and I’m reflecting more here on my own ‘grievance’ with intention. Most of the time, intention seems to be something we do before action, but one way of looking at it is people do not have an intention to act but instead just act and create the story that gives meaning to it. Of course, we can plan an action, but that’s not the case in conflicts Intent / Impact. Because our actions show who we are in the world and we might have messed up, ‘intention’ seems to be the easy way out of our harsh self-judgement.
But I’ve got myself reflecting on the oversimplification of judging someone for one action, and I remember the many times I’d have hoped others would give me the benefit of the doubt and say: this is the way it lands here, can we talk?
There also seems to be a side of impact that runs up to judge by re-interpreting the past and justifying ‘it’s always been like that’ or ‘I knew they were like this’. It is like we must make sense of it even before we bother to understand.
Thank you for bringing your wisdom to this space. Love, A>
Thank you Augusto! So good to hear from you. And yes, I feel what you are saying. The intentions can be conscious or unconscious -- they are just the backstory behind the action, and sometimes the resulting actions are unconscious too. That's why the slowing down to reflect and ask and listen and share is so important. Ditto on the impact side -- yes, how do we slow down the desire to make a generalized story out of one (or even a few) experiences? That 'bothering to understand' is what I hope to keep cultivating. :) Thanks for your wisdom in deepening the dialogue too!
This really hit home. You've described the relationship between a dear friend and her daughter that is fraught with anxiety over similar intentions but different levels of tolerance regarding the behaviour of our friend's 5-year-old granddaughter. Grandma has hare-trigger reactions, which provoke strong responses from Mom. With Grandma's assent, I called her daughter and laid out the situation calmly from her mother's perspective. Not surprisingly, her daughter was defensive, even bringing up differences dating back to her teen years. But she understands her mom and understands that she cannot expect her to change. Perhaps, she may at least be able to get a load off her chest in a civil conversation. Perhaps both can acknowledge their common good intentions and the differing realities behind their impacts. May it be so.
Thanks for sharing this example, Richard. I have felt this competition between Intention and Impact in my own family and am working to unlearn it there as well. May your friend's family sort it out with love and listening! <3