Thank you for your vulnerability here, Shilpa! There’s some healing that I’m thinking about in two significant relationships in my life, and this was such a timely message.
thank you for sharing your real life story Shilpa , which is so much better than writing an intellectual thesis on the subject .
because the answers are so simple ... slowing down and talking of wants and needs .... but your stories of being in the crucible of hurt and disconnect with a friend , reminds me how difficult it is to remember the simple stuff when the heat is white hot , and when our panic zones want to run the show .
when i finally get my mini tiny-house community sorted , i will make your substacks part of the essential reading lists . Gold !!!
This brings to mind a sad story of mine that is still unresolved, to my continuing grief. It happened when my husband was dying, and I called on my 2 closest friends for support. Jim (not his real name) was right there with me - as I and my husband had been for him for years - and we went through it together. Before my husband died, another close woman friend offered support, as well. It did not take long before my 2 old friends were obviously more interested in one another than in either me or my husband, and before I knew it, they both disappeared on me! And my husband in the hospital! In their budding romance, they simply took off without so much as a word of explanation, apparently forgetting either that I had introduced them, and that I was left without support by 2 people I had loved and been loved by over years.
It is over 10 years that I have either seen, or had a word from them. The shock of betrayal has never quite healed. Good people, I thought; fine artists; deep friends. I thought. It still shocks me and though I have tried several times during the years to heal the breach, to even just talk about it, neither has chosen to respond. It still hurts deep..
Which makes me understand that in the storms of friendship, both parties have to participate in order to heal. And if not, then each has to bear the slings and arrows that arise from non-participation in a shared falling-out. Good luck to all of us - sigh...
This post is very clarifying for me. When I look back at four former friendships, two long-term, the other two short-term but intimate, I see that in each case I had only a partial understanding of who my friend was, and this was likely true of my friend’s understanding of who I was. In each case, changing circumstances brought out parts of ourselves that were unfamiliar and upsetting to the other. And in each case, my friend ended our relationship. I see now that what was missing was the mutual friend you had, to help us listen to and enlighten each other.
Thank you, Shilpa, for putting this into words. It was an important read for me, as I'm in the midst of another pass of my own inner work on a seismic rupture in an intentional community I was part of. I appreciated your naming your experience early in the piece about friendships you haven't been able to repair, those you've been able to partially repair, and those you've been able to rebuild. Thank you, Cynthia Winton-Henry for pointing me to this piece!
Getting inside the skin of intimate friendships that rupture-- it's real! Any one of us is vulnerable. Thank you.
Yes, for sure, that vulnerability is so real -- especially when we put our hearts out there. Thank you for reading!
Thank you for your vulnerability here, Shilpa! There’s some healing that I’m thinking about in two significant relationships in my life, and this was such a timely message.
Thank you dear! <3 Glad to be of support in the healing journey you are on in those relationships.
thank you for sharing your real life story Shilpa , which is so much better than writing an intellectual thesis on the subject .
because the answers are so simple ... slowing down and talking of wants and needs .... but your stories of being in the crucible of hurt and disconnect with a friend , reminds me how difficult it is to remember the simple stuff when the heat is white hot , and when our panic zones want to run the show .
when i finally get my mini tiny-house community sorted , i will make your substacks part of the essential reading lists . Gold !!!
Or maybe they will be in book-form by then 😎
This brings to mind a sad story of mine that is still unresolved, to my continuing grief. It happened when my husband was dying, and I called on my 2 closest friends for support. Jim (not his real name) was right there with me - as I and my husband had been for him for years - and we went through it together. Before my husband died, another close woman friend offered support, as well. It did not take long before my 2 old friends were obviously more interested in one another than in either me or my husband, and before I knew it, they both disappeared on me! And my husband in the hospital! In their budding romance, they simply took off without so much as a word of explanation, apparently forgetting either that I had introduced them, and that I was left without support by 2 people I had loved and been loved by over years.
It is over 10 years that I have either seen, or had a word from them. The shock of betrayal has never quite healed. Good people, I thought; fine artists; deep friends. I thought. It still shocks me and though I have tried several times during the years to heal the breach, to even just talk about it, neither has chosen to respond. It still hurts deep..
Which makes me understand that in the storms of friendship, both parties have to participate in order to heal. And if not, then each has to bear the slings and arrows that arise from non-participation in a shared falling-out. Good luck to all of us - sigh...
This post is very clarifying for me. When I look back at four former friendships, two long-term, the other two short-term but intimate, I see that in each case I had only a partial understanding of who my friend was, and this was likely true of my friend’s understanding of who I was. In each case, changing circumstances brought out parts of ourselves that were unfamiliar and upsetting to the other. And in each case, my friend ended our relationship. I see now that what was missing was the mutual friend you had, to help us listen to and enlighten each other.
Thank you, Shilpa, for putting this into words. It was an important read for me, as I'm in the midst of another pass of my own inner work on a seismic rupture in an intentional community I was part of. I appreciated your naming your experience early in the piece about friendships you haven't been able to repair, those you've been able to partially repair, and those you've been able to rebuild. Thank you, Cynthia Winton-Henry for pointing me to this piece!