The Compass of Compassion

Guiding my direction for the days ahead

Last week was my birthday, and let me tell you, I was beautifully and blessedly showered with love. The celebrations and well wishes kept coming, for a full week before and more than a full week after it. (Luckily, a glass broke, and I spilled many things every day, so no danger of the evil eye getting me after this huge outpouring — in case any of you were worried about it.)

Among the many gifts I received was an oracle card reading from my friend AK. As I was inquiring into how to approach this new year of my life, I pulled ‘Compassion’, ‘Leap’ and ‘Embrace’ from their deck. The Compassion card had an image of a compass, with each direction marked by a heart, while Leap looked like a wild free-fall through a starry universe, and Embrace showed a variety of flowers and vines held in crisscrossed arms. AK and I had a beautiful conversation about the cards and what could they mean for me. “Aha!” I thought. “Here is my next Substack!” What could it be like to navigate the year ahead with compassion as my central guide for it all? What does that mean leaping into, and what does that ask me to embrace?

(Cards from the Poesis Oracle Deck by Andrea Wan)

Those who are familiar with YES! Jams over the last 12+ years know about the Compass of Reactions, a tool often used to map what happens internally, interpersonally and systemically when in the panic zone (any space/time/state of being where presence and listening have gone out the window). This tool was adapted from the Compass of Shame, originally offered by the psychologist, Donald L Nathanson when considering human beings’ common reactions to experiences of shame: Attack Other(s), Attack Self, Withdrawal, and Avoidance. The first two run west and east on the horizontal ‘fight’ axis; the second two run north and south on the vertical ‘flight’ axis. (Check out the image below if you like graphics.)

It was brought to YES! Jams through one of our facilitators, from his experiences in a facilitation training program called Interchange, which had been based in Oakland, California. As Jammers and Jam leaders, we began to connect the dots between these reactions and other moments of going into the panic zone — around conflict, leadership, social change work, with our families, and so many other contexts. It made sense to us to continue to explore it in Jams, but by the name ‘Compass of Reactions’, in order to go beyond the narrow field of shame and expand into a wider breadth and depth of personal, interpersonal, and systemic experiences.

(image created for YES! by Hanzade Germiyanoglu)

Many Jams introduce and explore this tool and how it applies to various relationships and contexts, though a variety of somatic processes and dialogue in small groups and whole group. We inquire into questions like: What’s good about these reactions? Why do they work for you? Where do you think these reactions come from in you ? They could have something to do with family dynamics, education, ancestry, work experiences, etc. How do these reactions impact you, in terms of your health, well-being, relationships, sense of self, creativity, etc.? How do you see them impacting others around you? What supports you to move out of these panic zone reactions into your stretch zone or comfort zone? How can you tell you when you’re stretching (present, listening, and able to speak from the heart) and no longer operating from one of these reactions?

All of these rich conversations, both through words and body wisdom, have been incredibly powerful for me over the years. Each time, I learn more about myself, others, and the world around me. I see how I ‘attack other’ when I don’t feel I have the support I need (which I usually have not asked for). Or, how I ‘avoid’ when I am feeling frustrated with someone or something, because at least I am not totally useless and can get something done (like cleaning the kitchen). The Compass of Reactions has helped me understand patterns in my relationships and how dynamics show up in communities. I have noticed the spectrum, the small and big versions of each of them (from a judgement I hold in my mind all the way to physical violence, for example). And why it’s natural and understandable for me and others to have these reactions, while also recognizing how I can feel isolated and disengaged if I stay in any reactive state for too long. The Compass of Reactions has also helped me see how whole systems — like the education system or justice system — bounce around from reaction to reaction, and how their construction, orientation, and daily practices stem from these reactions and exacerbate them. While this tool is continually referenced throughout the learning journey of a YES! Jam, I have seen my own and others’ lifelong engagement with it, increasing personal and collective awareness and being able to make different choices as a result of that awareness.

Often, towards the end the initial exploration, the facilitators offer some kind of loving-kindness metta practice to bring love, compassion and forgiveness to ourselves and the others we might have thought of in our co-learning together. We remind ourselves that no one is wrong or bad for having any of these reactions; they are part of being human. And, because they will keep coming up in ourselves and in others, the more awareness we bring to them, the more we can find ways to be gentle with ourselves and each other, the more we can disrupt the cycle of hurt people hurting people and creating systems that hurt people.

All of this was going through my mind when I pulled this Compassion card with a compass on it. I began to imagine what it might look like to be guided by a heart-centered operating system, rather than reacting from my panic zone. What could be the four directions of compassion, and how could I be actively moving towards them, internally, interpersonally, and systemically in this new year ahead? Here’s my best guess at it, and I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments, if you’re willing.

Empathy (West). Instead of ‘attacking other(s)’ where I blame, resent, project, demonize, lash out, etc. against a person/people/system, compassion would have me slowing down to put myself in their shoes and walk around for a moment. Could I see the situation from their perspective? What fear might be operating? Where might they be suffering? What hurt or vulnerability might be underneath or unprocessed? I don’t need to agree with or condone another’s actions to have empathy for/with them. I just need to be willing to see that something is happening from their vantage point, believe that it makes sense to them from their experiences, and do my best to try to understand. By walking in their shoes, even for a moment, I might be able to make a connection, and that might make all the difference for building a bridge together.

Forgiveness (East). Instead of ‘attacking myself’ when I have made a mistake, let someone down, not been in integrity with my words and actions, I could be gentle with myself. I can be humble, ask for forgiveness, learn from the situation, and lean into repair. After all, although I know I rarely intend to hurt someone, I will still do it, unconsciously, unknowingly, unintentionally, and I can take the opportunity to listen, to honor my own dignity, and ask what I can do to bring things back into wholeness and alignment. This kind of offering of forgiveness starts with myself and radiates outward, in a tender web of vulnerability and understanding. The more I forgive myself and others, the more space there is to learn, risk, and grow.

Curiosity (North). ‘Withdrawal’ is running away or checking out, and it makes sense when things feel scary, or when I don’t have the answers or feel disconnected or bored. Here, I want to invite a compassionate kind of curiosity. What can I wonder about? How could I make space for my imagination and creativity in the moment? Could I turn my disengagement into an inquiry? Could I be with my ‘not-knowing’ and stay in the moment anyway? My wonder can build a pathway to presence, and from there, all kinds of new possibilities could emerge.

Stillness (South). When times are hard, escaping with ‘avoidance’ is understandable (like all the reactions are). Doing something ‘useful’ or ‘productive’ or even just ‘fun’ can give me a sense of freedom, control and power, however fleeting, in a disorienting society with fast and furious news cycles. Instead of busying or distracting myself, could I be still? Compassion would guide me to just slow down and pause, to acknowledge the pain or discomfort without judging it, to surrender to the moment without changing it. Stillness gives my body, mind, heart, and spirit time to align, which can call forth more meaningful ways forward for myself and with others.

I have seen myself navigate with this Compass of Compassion many times, but have never explicitly named it as such. I’ve shared some of these stories in my past Substacks (here, here, here, among others). Even today, while coaching one of my leadership clients, I saw how I started to ‘attack’ the people who were attacking her, then caught myself, and shifted into trying to understand where they might be coming from, their vantage point, assumptions and experiences. And that let me better support her with generative actions in the short- and long-run. At the very least, I think it was a better approach than piling on with my own reactions.

And there are no coincidences, as my friend Brett taught me long ago. Last week, I also happened to be listening to the audio version of When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. One of the parts that most stood out to me was her description of Tonglen — the Buddhist practice of breathing in suffering and breathing out love and peace. She talks about how that practice can bring so much change and ease, without actively trying to bring change and ease. Rather, it is fundamentally rooted in compassion — which literally, from the Latin, means ‘to suffer with’.

In my understanding, Tonglen doesn’t suggest that you or I need to take on someone else’s suffering. That runs into the terrain of absorbing or fixing, both of which can get very dicey very quickly. Rather, I think Tonglen invites you and me to be in that with-ness role, to breathe in and breathe out, in order to more deeply understand and connect with suffering. This breath, I believe, can support me in accessing the Compass of Compassion.

(image created by Carole Henaff)

To clarify, when I am operating in the Compass of Reactions, I act from my amygdala — my reptilian brain — and actually bypass my intuition, my heart wisdom, my pre-frontal cortex, my whole body awareness, my ancestors or spirit guides, and any other more knowledgeable and generative source of information. I can’t be with suffering, my own or others, because I am fighting it or fleeing from it. Compassion is vulnerable, by definition, and my amygdala, when activated, tries to find any way possible to get out of such vulnerability.

Last week, when the bishop Mariann Edgar Budde at Trump’s inauguration asked him to offer mercy to those who are scared right now, and particularly named LGBTQ+ communities and undocumented workers, she was asking him to tap into his compassion, to suffer with those who are suffering. His reaction was telling: he broke eye contact and looked away, withdrawing, and when he looked back, there was a hardness in his eyes. Later, he attacked her on social media, calling her a “Radical Left hard line Trump hater” and saying she brought “her church into the World of politics in a very ungracious way.” He called her sermon “nasty in tone” and “uninspiring,” and demanded an apology from her and her church (which she does not plan to give).

Seeing all of this, and all the other intensity coming up in these first days of this new political order, it’s clear that I will be practicing Tonglen on the regular! Seriously, though, it is easy for me to be hijacked into my reactions in the presence of these atrocities, insults, and shenanigans. And yet, I want to return to the compassion — to what the bishop was inviting with her appeal for mercy for the vulnerable, and to the vulnerability that exists in each of us. I want to be with the suffering and not turn away, and instead do my best to leap in and embrace it (what my other oracle cards were guiding me to do). I choose compassion because that is what I want to see more of in the world, especially when forces around me are trying to quash it out.

I imagine practicing Tonglen will be much like my recent foray into pilates — tapping into underused muscles and making them stronger day by day. I might get a little sore sometimes, and it will be worth it in the long run.

Where on the Compass of Compassion do you want to channel more of yourself this year? How are you infusing these directional elements of Empathy, Forgiveness, Curiosity and Stillness into your relationships and systems? How does this Compass of Compassion land with you? I would love to hear in the comments if you’re willing to share.